Hate Me
by demolitionLover
Summary: I couldn’t not think of you. But I had to try my hardest, as each time I pictured any part of you, I felt a blade slice through my cold, silent heart and cut off a little piece. Already, i felt my heart was in a million pieces. 'Hate Me - Blue October'


**Edward – Hate Me**

_If you're sleeping - are you dreaming?_

When I first met you, I would sit in the tree by your window and watch your sleep. Watch you dream. I was curious and wanted to be close to you, without being close to you. I didn't want to hurt you. I would never forgive myself if, in a moment of weakness, the call of your blood became too much to handle.

_If you're dreaming - are you dreaming of me?_

I always wondered what you were dreaming about. And then as if you had heard my question, you talked. Allowing me to hear what was going on in the one mind I couldn't read. You mentioned your Mom and talked about the rain. But selfishly, I wanted to know if you ever thought about me. I had tried so hard to stay away from you, but I wanted to know if I had had any affect on you.

_I can't believe you actually picked me._

And then you spoke my name. The feeling that surged through me was something I had never experienced before. I knew that I could no longer stay away. I had to use all my self-control to be around you, but every smile, every laugh, made it all worthwhile. I took you to my meadow. _Our_ meadow. I realised that I could be close to you. I kissed you. The whole time a voice in my head told me this was wrong. We could never be any closer. Every second you spent with me you were in danger. But selfishly, I ignored the voice. You were irresistible, in more ways than I ever thought possible. I spent every possible second with you and couldn't get enough of you. What had I done to deserve you?? How could a monster like me, blessed with eternal damnation, possibly be allowed to know you?? Be close to you?? Surely, there must be something bad coming. This happiness, this euphoric happiness, must be too good to be true. But after that one glorious summer, I began to think that perhaps, just _perhaps_, it might last. I might be able to keep you after all.  
I was wrong.  
On the day of your eighteenth birthday, Jasper gave me the wake up call I should never have needed. He tried to attack you. It was then that I realised I could no longer stay around you. I had to protect you from myself and my family. I had been selfishly enjoying your company so much that I had silenced that voice in my head. The voice that had constantly told me that I was putting you in danger. I couldn't put you in danger anymore. I can't ever see that look of terror pass over your face ever again. So, I've left you.

_I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head_

I couldn't _not_ think of you. But I had to try my hardest, as each time I pictured any part of you, I felt a blade slice through my cold, silent heart and cut off a little piece. Already, I felt my heart was in a million pieces.

_They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed_  
_dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone_

Everything reminded me of you. Memories of our times together played in my mind like a series of home movies. I had never felt so alone than I did without you.

_An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?_

I wanted so badly to see a glimpse of you, for you to call me just so I could hear your beautiful voice. You thought I had left no trace of myself, but I had selfishly hidden all of my gifts, the photos from your album, under your floorboards. You were walking over me everyday.

_It is I that wanted space  
_

You were so quick to believe that I didn't love you. That I had _never_ loved you. It was the biggest and most painful lie I had ever told in my entire existence. It was the most unbelievable lie I had ever told, yet you were so quick to believe it. It killed me to leave you that way. It would have been so easy if you had just realised what a monster I was and run away, screaming. I was always silently begging you, that for your sake, you would hate me. You would see the monster in my eyes, the day of our first biology lesson, our first kiss.

_Hate me today  
__Hate me tomorrow  
__Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

But I had to remind myself that I had left you so you could live the life I could never provide.  
A human life.  
With a husband who didn't have to restrain himself everyday, trying his hardest not to break you or be craving to drink your delicious blood.

_Hate me in ways  
__Yeah ways hard to swallow_  
_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

Please see me for the monster I truly am. Not only am I a vampire, never to go to heaven, I was a selfish vampire. I had allowed you to grow close to me, to love me and depend on me. I should have never have come back after that trip to Alaska. I should have stayed away and never known what you could be to me.

_I'm sober now for 3 whole months_  
_the one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again_

I was sober of your deliciously appealing scent. It had been three months since I had left you. My desire of your blood had always drawn boundaries between us. Now, those boundaries were no longer needed.

_While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight  
__You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate_

On the day of doom, your eighteenth birthday, we had watched Romeo+Juliet. I had told you that I was envious of how easy it was for Romeo to kill himself upon finding his lover dead. You were appalled at me having even _thought_ of killing myself. That just because you didn't exist, it should never mean that I would cease to live.

_So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind  
__And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind_

You were human and would get over our relationship. People moved on from lovers all the time; why should we be any different?? There is no possibility that I could ever have the same effect on you that you had on me. As much as you tried to convince me that you loved me more than I loved you, I was your first boyfriend. You had never experienced another relationship – how could you compare your love for me, if you had no other experience to compare it to?

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave_

I tried to make my sadness look like something else. Look like I had never cared for you. But really, the sadness in my heart ached more than I thought possible when you accepted my lie. You never questioned it – just accepted it as though you knew one day it would come.

_Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be_

I wanted so badly to run back to you, run even faster than I could. I wanted to blink and find myself next to you. I wanted to see you smile at me and for everything to be back to the way it was.  
I wanted to forget this horrible, self-afflicted nightmare.  
More than anything, I wanted to see my angel.

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

I could only hope that you had realised that you were better off without me. I could only hope that you had moved on and were living your natural life. The one that you deserved. The one that I had selfishly taken from you. I could only hope that you would realise I had left you for your own sake. Everything I ever did was for you. My life, my world, my universe revolved around you. I had to leave you.

_For you_


End file.
